I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
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There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Well well well…
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house