I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.