I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
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If I was a Spice Girl, I鈥檇 be onion powder.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it鈥檚 too hot outside.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 馃檨
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who鈥檚 not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I do believe I鈥檓 an Empath. I can always sense when someone I鈥檓 attacking is in a bad mood.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen