I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
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When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”