I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Children of the corn 🌽
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
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[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD