I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
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carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.