When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
This meal prepping shit is easy
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
just left a huge legacy in there
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.