King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
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I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Tastes like chicken.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…