I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
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Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
#SCOTUS one-star review
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”