This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
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Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
We’re all getting idioter.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.