@jimmy_sharpe: I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
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@PimpBillClinton: To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.
@noog: Squirrels run around like they're being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
@Petote: A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn't cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
@BoozeWallet: [pretending to talk on phone while mugger approaches] yeah, so then they told me that my Karate is just too deadly for the Olympics