I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
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Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.