I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
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I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”