if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
You Might Also Like
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies