@SRbeta: I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich.
This one just told me i was adopted :(
@ericsshadow: ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
@shkeeber: You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Unless you work in the alzheimer's wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.
@robfee: Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack:
Giving birth ;|
@dubstep4dads: "hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?"
"hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot"
*cops bust down door*