@bourgeoisalien: I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I'm unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
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@aka_fatman: "I tell you, this car runs like a dream!" I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
@LurkAtHomeMom: 6yo: please please please??? Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes. [40 minutes later] 6yo: has it been 5 minutes? Me: no.
@junejuly12: Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
@sixfootcandy: *puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*