I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
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I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.