Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
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Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Me too, bag. Me too….