@ShortWhiteNUgly: I make my children listen to people like Pink Floyd and Bob Marley so they learn the difference between Chris Brown and music.
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@POTerritory: Him: The dog ate your take-home final? Me: Yeah. Him: So what happened? Me: Well, a few hours later- Him: Oh, no. Me: -he passed the test.
@Black__Elvis: Just found a hole in my sock and now I'm worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
@SortaBad: *practices like 1000 times in the mirror* [at Starbucks] "One grander none-fatty flaparinno" barista: ... "I'll try again tomorrow"