Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
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I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
awkward
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox