I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
You Might Also Like
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
This pepper has seen some shit
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”