@kevinrowe1: I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
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@3sunzzz: My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
@Ristolable: I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
@UpscaleHobo: Why isn't there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
@juliussharpe: Fun tip - instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you're sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.