I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Saw online –
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.