I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
You Might Also Like
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I’m not proud
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*