I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
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6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
bears
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU