I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
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if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?