I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
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I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit