I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
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[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all