I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
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“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Ah yes. The three genders
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Nomnomnomnom
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle