I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
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Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.