I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
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I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
first you must answer his riddles
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time