“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
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[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.