“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
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Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.