Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia