My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
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Life hack
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”