I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
You had me at “define legal”.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*