@NotJPo: I may be delusional, but at least every single person I've ever met is in love with me
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@squirrel74wkgn: [at work] Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom? *standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards* "No...why do you ask?"
@Vodkantots: Did you know that you can get kicked out of a gym for using a laser to point out areas people should work on? Well, you can.
@carlyken: So far my toddler's most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.
@JohnLyonTweets: I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.