@NotJPo: I may be delusional, but at least every single person I've ever met is in love with me
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@lynnbixenspan: I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
@juskewitch: If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
@burntmybagel: My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him "doctor."