Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
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if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.