I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
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2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?