I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
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Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags