@TheBoydP: I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
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@onion_an: [1st day as judge] Murderer: [waves at me] Me [waves back]: He seems nice Lawyer: He killed six people Me: He probably didn't mean it
@thestlouisan: I just want to have enough followers so that my children can tweet comfortably for the rest of their lives.
@courtneyno: The light above my desk is going out. I feel like I've been at a really boring rave for the last 7 hours.
@badbanana: I'll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.