I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
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Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’