I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
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Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
and now we wait
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.