@theshantilly: I may be nodding and smiling, but I'm secretly diagnosing you.
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@briancthayer: Hamburglar search history: • sentence for stealing burgers • do inmates get burgers • what is prison "beef" • countries that don't extradite
@onion_an: [1st day as criminal sketch artist] Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t.... Me: I'm gonna need a longer sheet of paper
@markleggett: The year is 2027 AD. I take a drag from my vitamin cigarette and transfer 17 Bitcoins to a 3D-printed babe-bot for a cyber HJ. Life is good.
@thetits: [texting] ME: I like you, I think you're cute MY CRUSH: oh um ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that