I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
The Backseat Boys
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.