I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Just why bro?!
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES