I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
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Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.