I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
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Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us