I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
The Book. The Movie.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.