I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.