I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
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An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.