@JessObsess: I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
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@NicestHippo: "Can you explain this Gap in your work history?" Yes that's when I worked for the popular clothing retailer
@OhighIsis: Mom called to ask if I'd take her shopping. Me: What time? Mom: Anytime between 1-4. Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.
@WhaJoTalkinBout: Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1. It's the vinyl countdown.
@XplodingUnicorn: Friend: I set a new personal record last week Me: Me too Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.