I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
You Might Also Like
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
There are no pants in heaven.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.