I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Nice try Hitler
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning