I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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So can we start calling them Traylor now?
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.