my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.