@IamEnidColeslaw: I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
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@KeetPotato: nurse: "if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half" me: [visibly confused] wife: "the grapes keith not the baby"
@daemonic3: "Is this your resume?" Yes "It just says you used to leave shit at your friends' doors, ring the bell & run away?" Yes "Welcome to UPS!"
@BlakWidowBarbee: Yoga is really kicking in. I'm seeing the definition in my arms and overall flexibility. My vibrator is gonna be really impressed.
@bridger_w: FYI, you don't have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, "How's everything tasting"