I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
You Might Also Like
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks