I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
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[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
wtf management?!
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.